You know your life sucks...

WOW... I completely forgot about that post. The following was written almost 2 years ago, in March 2012, but apparently I never published it for some reason...

Funny thing is, it's actually a good time to post it, as I just went through yet another birthday / new year's eve, which is not my favorite time of the year and always makes me reflect on everything - past, present and future - even more than the rest of the year. Less funny thing is that looking back, things have not changed much... Work has been up and down since then and wasn't much of a stabilizing help in the 2012 summer when - ironically ? - it got worse on a personal level, with an injury and some key relationships fading or coming to an end for different reasons. Then it got better after the summer when I got promoted to a new job in the same company, met some new people and finally reached the end of my rehab. All good, right ? Well, surely enough, it didn't last as the job got less interesting again, and my personal life actually got even worse during the 2013 summer when that latest, mind-saving, hope-giving, self-confidence-boosting friendship went down the drain as well, and another injury appeared... Anyway, I digress, let's rewind back to March, 2012, and to that delightful title:

"You know your life sucks..."

... when work is the only thing you feel secure about, the only thing you can honestly say you feel good about. Well, it's not that great either, but it could definitely be worse. Actually it HAS been a lot worse, so I know the feeling. There's been a time when I really wasn't sure what to do with my life, professionally, and how to do it. Now I have a pretty decent and stable job, even though I'm not yet putting work above everything else, but when I see people around me struggling to find a job or keep it, I'd say I'm pretty good with mine. Building a career has never been a life goal of mine.  I'll run away from a boring job, believe me - I already did - but I never really envisioned taking 'pride' in my career either. It'd have to be something related to sports or music I guess for me to really feel some sort of achievement in that, and I stopped dreaming about being a professional athlete a long time ago :) Ditto with being a rapper or fronting a hardcore band, I lack the talent, and you probably won't make a living out of it anyway, unless you're  called Jay-Z or Dr. Dre! Notice that I don't even have a hardcore band to mention here, cause you don't make a living out of hardcore music anyway. Maybe some kind of alternative will present itself down the road to get involved with something I'm really passionate about, but let's say work is good enough right now for me to be able to focus on the other stuff. Personal achievement, singing and playing for the fun of it, love, friendship, and all kind of relationships for that matter, these are what I want to put my mind into. So many things you could feed off, and yet, the only bright side right now is work... So yeah I guess my life sucks, at least by my standards.

Of course if you break it down, you'll find flashes of hope. People will decide for you that what you have is already a lot, and maybe they're right. Or maybe they don't get it. Every now and then I'll think about what I'll leave behind. What did I create ? Did I leave my mark on anything ? This was part of the reasons why I started this blog, because I wanted to be able to look behind and feel like I'm leaving something, not in a star-system kind of way, when people just want to be famous and remembered, but mostly to interact with others about that one thing that I felt, at the time, I was able to do or create. But what's the point when there's no interaction at all ? I post pictures, and then what ? I know there are some viewers if I look at the logs, but there's little to no feedback. At all. Except for the typical "I like your pictures" comment from a friend, every once in a while. People come in when I post a link on facebook, take a look, and leave, just like people do with street performers. People will stop by, watch the show, and then leave as soon as the performer goes for the tip. If you stayed and enjoyed or even just wondered about it, don't fucking leave ! I don't expect people to write me some fan letter, but I'd like to know when someone saw a post and wether they liked it or not, if they felt anything at all, memories, inspiration, self-thinking or whatever... When I experience something, I like to share it and talk about it with someone afterwards. When my friends do something - anything - I'll show some interest. I mean, I won't pretend I like it if I don't, or attend every single time they perform, but I'll show up if I can, I'll take the time to write a few words to express what I felt or what not, in short I'll SUPPORT. But I guess I'm just different...

And then there's New Years Eve. Everybody's giving you their best "Happy New Year" wishes, even though they didn't care about you a couple days ago, and won't do so in a week either. That's just plain hypocrisy to me. Or worst, self-conviction that they do care so that they feel good about themselves ? Either way, if you don't proceed with the celebration, you're the negative guy. The one that doesn't live in the moment. But I don't give a flying f*ck about that moment you're talking about. I care about every other moments. The other 364 or 365 days in a year. How many times do I send a message to someone and I don't even get an answer ? I feel like an idiot for answering all the questions I'm being asked, and taking the time to do so. Somehow, I feel like an idiot for writing this right now, because I know of the few people who will read it, only a very selected few will actually READ it and turn that into a conversation some day.

You're reading this (congrats !), and you're thinking he's loosing it... Well, no, this is not an SOS ! This is not a "message in a bottle"... These are just words, coming from the heart and flowing off so naturally, right now, that I just let them all out, finally. Otherwise I'd just post a crappy facebook status and hope people 'like' it and cheer on me, which is absolutely not the point ! Because it's not a mood thing, it's weeks, months, years of reflexions, of inner thinking, that just happen to get written today. Just because you're not whining all the time, doesn't mean you don't think about stuff. So many times, people told me "I see everything is good for you" just because they saw a pic on facebook where I was at a party, at the beach or whatever. Well, yeah, I don't stay home 24/7 you idiot, because I'm not letting these things win, I fight back and I go out, trying to get better at what I do, hang out with friends, meet new people, find inspiration... My closest friends know that about me. Or so I hope. Me writing is kinda ironical too, given that I was a math guy back in school, and didn't care much for the literature courses. Well I did read a lot when I was younger, so maybe I just had it in me but never developed it...

A friend of mine told me a few weeks ago : "start working on some lyrics for your songs ! I'm pretty sure you got some stuff in your head that would transfer nicely into songs". I'm not sure if this is "nice", but that's a start. This is exactly what these few lines are, actually, the results of so many times I was thinking to myself about the things that bug me, the things I'd like to express in lyrics but didn't have music to put to at the time. Now that we broke up again with that band I was trying to get back to hardcore with, it seems like I'll be back to zero again, but we'll see, I got some instrumentals to work with, so maybe I'll find some way out anyway...