The Dark Side

I considered using that light for pictures for some time now, but never found the inspiration.

Then the beard solved it all.

I have a dream...

... I just don't know what it is yet.

You know your life sucks...

WOW... I completely forgot about that post. The following was written almost 2 years ago, in March 2012, but apparently I never published it for some reason...

Funny thing is, it's actually a good time to post it, as I just went through yet another birthday / new year's eve, which is not my favorite time of the year and always makes me reflect on everything - past, present and future - even more than the rest of the year. Less funny thing is that looking back, things have not changed much... Work has been up and down since then and wasn't much of a stabilizing help in the 2012 summer when - ironically ? - it got worse on a personal level, with an injury and some key relationships fading or coming to an end for different reasons. Then it got better after the summer when I got promoted to a new job in the same company, met some new people and finally reached the end of my rehab. All good, right ? Well, surely enough, it didn't last as the job got less interesting again, and my personal life actually got even worse during the 2013 summer when that latest, mind-saving, hope-giving, self-confidence-boosting friendship went down the drain as well, and another injury appeared... Anyway, I digress, let's rewind back to March, 2012, and to that delightful title:

"You know your life sucks..."

... when work is the only thing you feel secure about, the only thing you can honestly say you feel good about. Well, it's not that great either, but it could definitely be worse. Actually it HAS been a lot worse, so I know the feeling. There's been a time when I really wasn't sure what to do with my life, professionally, and how to do it. Now I have a pretty decent and stable job, even though I'm not yet putting work above everything else, but when I see people around me struggling to find a job or keep it, I'd say I'm pretty good with mine. Building a career has never been a life goal of mine.  I'll run away from a boring job, believe me - I already did - but I never really envisioned taking 'pride' in my career either. It'd have to be something related to sports or music I guess for me to really feel some sort of achievement in that, and I stopped dreaming about being a professional athlete a long time ago :) Ditto with being a rapper or fronting a hardcore band, I lack the talent, and you probably won't make a living out of it anyway, unless you're  called Jay-Z or Dr. Dre! Notice that I don't even have a hardcore band to mention here, cause you don't make a living out of hardcore music anyway. Maybe some kind of alternative will present itself down the road to get involved with something I'm really passionate about, but let's say work is good enough right now for me to be able to focus on the other stuff. Personal achievement, singing and playing for the fun of it, love, friendship, and all kind of relationships for that matter, these are what I want to put my mind into. So many things you could feed off, and yet, the only bright side right now is work... So yeah I guess my life sucks, at least by my standards.

Of course if you break it down, you'll find flashes of hope. People will decide for you that what you have is already a lot, and maybe they're right. Or maybe they don't get it. Every now and then I'll think about what I'll leave behind. What did I create ? Did I leave my mark on anything ? This was part of the reasons why I started this blog, because I wanted to be able to look behind and feel like I'm leaving something, not in a star-system kind of way, when people just want to be famous and remembered, but mostly to interact with others about that one thing that I felt, at the time, I was able to do or create. But what's the point when there's no interaction at all ? I post pictures, and then what ? I know there are some viewers if I look at the logs, but there's little to no feedback. At all. Except for the typical "I like your pictures" comment from a friend, every once in a while. People come in when I post a link on facebook, take a look, and leave, just like people do with street performers. People will stop by, watch the show, and then leave as soon as the performer goes for the tip. If you stayed and enjoyed or even just wondered about it, don't fucking leave ! I don't expect people to write me some fan letter, but I'd like to know when someone saw a post and wether they liked it or not, if they felt anything at all, memories, inspiration, self-thinking or whatever... When I experience something, I like to share it and talk about it with someone afterwards. When my friends do something - anything - I'll show some interest. I mean, I won't pretend I like it if I don't, or attend every single time they perform, but I'll show up if I can, I'll take the time to write a few words to express what I felt or what not, in short I'll SUPPORT. But I guess I'm just different...

And then there's New Years Eve. Everybody's giving you their best "Happy New Year" wishes, even though they didn't care about you a couple days ago, and won't do so in a week either. That's just plain hypocrisy to me. Or worst, self-conviction that they do care so that they feel good about themselves ? Either way, if you don't proceed with the celebration, you're the negative guy. The one that doesn't live in the moment. But I don't give a flying f*ck about that moment you're talking about. I care about every other moments. The other 364 or 365 days in a year. How many times do I send a message to someone and I don't even get an answer ? I feel like an idiot for answering all the questions I'm being asked, and taking the time to do so. Somehow, I feel like an idiot for writing this right now, because I know of the few people who will read it, only a very selected few will actually READ it and turn that into a conversation some day.

You're reading this (congrats !), and you're thinking he's loosing it... Well, no, this is not an SOS ! This is not a "message in a bottle"... These are just words, coming from the heart and flowing off so naturally, right now, that I just let them all out, finally. Otherwise I'd just post a crappy facebook status and hope people 'like' it and cheer on me, which is absolutely not the point ! Because it's not a mood thing, it's weeks, months, years of reflexions, of inner thinking, that just happen to get written today. Just because you're not whining all the time, doesn't mean you don't think about stuff. So many times, people told me "I see everything is good for you" just because they saw a pic on facebook where I was at a party, at the beach or whatever. Well, yeah, I don't stay home 24/7 you idiot, because I'm not letting these things win, I fight back and I go out, trying to get better at what I do, hang out with friends, meet new people, find inspiration... My closest friends know that about me. Or so I hope. Me writing is kinda ironical too, given that I was a math guy back in school, and didn't care much for the literature courses. Well I did read a lot when I was younger, so maybe I just had it in me but never developed it...

A friend of mine told me a few weeks ago : "start working on some lyrics for your songs ! I'm pretty sure you got some stuff in your head that would transfer nicely into songs". I'm not sure if this is "nice", but that's a start. This is exactly what these few lines are, actually, the results of so many times I was thinking to myself about the things that bug me, the things I'd like to express in lyrics but didn't have music to put to at the time. Now that we broke up again with that band I was trying to get back to hardcore with, it seems like I'll be back to zero again, but we'll see, I got some instrumentals to work with, so maybe I'll find some way out anyway...

Poor Lonesome Cowboy

When All Else Fails...

... There's music.

As is often the case, I had a title in mind, but no particular photo to attach to it.

One would think it'd be the other way around for a so-called photographer,

you've got a nice pic, and then you look for a title that suits it well,

but strangely enough - since I'm not really a reader anymore, much less a writer -

my posts are often birthed from the title.

I've got these meaningful sentences in my head, sometimes just words, 

that I like to write down or whisper. Or shout... :)

For whatever reason, I had this one in mind tonight... "When All Else Fails"...

And the rest of the sentence came flowing naturally,

because of the importance of music to me, as 'The Great Escape' it can be,

when you just want to close your eyes and let the emptiness embrace you.

That's for the mindset, but that's not enough,

I needed a pic and I didn't feel like shooting something to illustrate that,

so I was thinking it through when I remembered that pic.

It was back in 2003, with my first ever digital camera, a Nikon Coolpix 4300,

on a train ride back home for the holidays.

As you can see on the pic, I was about to start studying the user manual,

because I didn't know much about aperture, speed and that kind of stuff back then,

but I did shoot this one before reading anything.

Came out pretty good, right ?

Actually I think it's pretty much one of my first pic taken with an 'artistic' purpose,

 after years of using disposable cameras to shoot friends and various events.

I've always loved this pic, for the pic itself,

but obviously for the story behind it, at least as much as anything else !  

So I had to post it someday, and tonight seemed like a pretty good opportunity... 

When I Think About Love...

I think about her. And her. And her too. But mostly her.

Over the years, I've had my fair share of thinking about Love, or more precisely its lack thereof, but recently things started to change slowly, and reading Ryan Leslie's comments on his adidas video, "When I Think About Love", got me thinking - again - about that.

Not only have I thought about it, trying to figure out what's wrong with me, but my friends, and most notably my girl friends, wondered a lot about it. So many times, I've been asked that same question : "well, have you ever been In Love ?" and every time, the same silence... Of course I've been in Love... a long time ago... Lately ? Not so much. And it's not like I haven't met anyone love worthy. I've had a few really good (girl) friends, most of them ending up being confidents and asking me about all that... I've had a couple girlfriends here and there... But for some reason, I couldn't seem to fall in love any more. I mean, true Love, when you know this is right there, in front of your eyes and you just want to go for it. No doubts. No questions. Not necessarily saying you have to know she's The One, but at least, you know you want to give it a try, and when it happens, everything just feels so right.
So YES, I've been there, at least 2 times, the memories are still very vivid, and yet every time this question pops up, the words fail me. The memories are instantly swept away by the wondering. What made me this way. Have I had my heart broken ? I don't think so, I've been the one breaking up eventually every time. Well, the first time it was more a matter of choosing to be single rather than being in a frustrating relationship, but it was still my decision. Have I broken her heart ? Of course she's moved on since, but that second girl, I guess I did break her heart that day. And it did break mine to do that. I'll always remember hearing her cry from the other side of the wall, wanting to go hug her so bad, but I had to stay strong, because it wasn't my place to be.

I don't think I've ever been In Love again afterwards, so maybe it's just coincidence, but I actually think I just wasn't ready for another round. My heart broken into multiple pieces, all of them fully functional, but none of them capable of taking over the others. I've had very strong bonds with more (girl) friends, but I haven't been in a relationship for years after that. I put everything I had in friendship and nothing in love. Reminds me a lot of how Alicia Keys put that to words : "she's just a girl that is your friend", except they weren't "just girls". I truly was committed to friendship, until I finally gave it another try at relationship, with no luck. Everything was ok, but the feelings weren't there. And there goes the heartbreak again.

During all those years, my reflexions have been intense, and I've tried to put them to words. I've tried expressing things I didn't even understand. I've been taking notes of what went through my mind, and I've tried turning those into lyrics, back when I was in hardcore bands. Nothing ever really came out clear enough.

And then here I am, a few years later, watching Ryan Leslie's "When I Think About Love" video, reading his comments on what the song is about, and thinking : "This Is It". For the first time, I'm putting words on what's going on in my mind, and these are not even mine.

"This record is about having the guts to admit you're not ready to fully commit and in fact you're actually just thinking about the concept of love."

OK, this sounds like a bunch of crap. The typical "I'm not ready" easy way out. But the following is a completely different story.

"My song is about the thinking thats necessary in order to be sure that you want to take someone on your love trip.

(...)

It feels good to confidently know that youre earnestly thinking about what your next move will be. So the next time you've got the urge to jump all the way in, take a few minutes to rock this record and think about whether you're really sure."

So... When I think about love... who am I thinking about ? I'm thinking about these 2 girl I used to love. I'm thinking about my close friends, past and present, and these girls with whom I've had such a special relationship. And mostly, I think about her. Like I said, just recently, things started to change. My multiple hearts were still independently dedicated to multiple friendship, but one of them started to grow bigger and stronger. To the point that I'm actually wondering "What now ?".
I'm wondering wether I'm ready to take her on my love trip and go for it.

I wonder if she's aware of all that. I wonder if she's gon' figure it out if she reads this.

Maybe I shouldn't post. After all, I haven't told her anything yet, because I don't want to screw anything up until I'm sure I want to go for it, so why should I risk it here ? Well, it's simple. The words failed me for so long, this is such an important step towards recovery, so I need to let it all out somehow. And keep putting the pieces back together.

Ryan says that maybe we'll end up playing his song over and over again while enjoying the process of just thinking before we do anything. Even though the lyrics of the song do not carry exactly the same meaning to me as Ryan's comments about the song, it definitely has its place in my playlist of "unskippable tracks", and it will definitely have me thinking about Love every time I hear it.


And when I think about Love, I think about her.

[Video] Snowboarding Session, Les Orres

Mostly riding around with 2 friends, then tried to get back into freestyling a little bit with a couple 360's and 2 front flip attempts, no landing... This time...

Getting back in the video editing game as well, it's been a while... Nothing too fancy, just trying to be clean on the cuts, and get back in it before I start working on my RUN trip video...

Everything shot on a Gopro HD, except for a couple shots from a digital camera.

No New Message

Hard Work aka Beach Workout

Everything comes at a price, it's up to you to decide what price you're willing to pay.

In my case, it's not even about what I'll get, and wether it's worth it.

It's about hard work, never resting and feeling good about what I achieve.

I set the goal to push myself, not the other way around.

People don't get it, but I take pride in earning it more than having it.

The body strengthens, of course, but my mind is what I train.

I press play, the music starts, and everything else just evaporates.

For a few minutes, it's just me and my thoughts.

My questions. My fears. My doubts.

 When I'm done, only the sweat remains.

(And it's pretty impressive to see how much you can sweat by standing still for some 11+ minutes)

Just The Two Of Us

All I Need Is One Mic...

Or maybe I don't ?

Anyway, sometimes I just want to grab my mic,

close the doors, and let it all out. Outlet Style.

I think I need to start singing again...

Every Damn Day || 2009 Cali Trip

No Pain, No Gain.

Never Give Up.

Now What ?

Music Is My Savior

Every time I hear Mims' "This Is Why I'm Hot" anthem, I can't help but think about what M.I.M.S. stands for : "Music Is My Savior"... Not the most original stuff ever, but I still like it. And I really feel him on this one. People can't even begin to realize, but music is such a major part of my life... That's what keeps me going when shit happens, or give me a way out when I'm not in the mood.

Anyway, back to the picture... It all started almost a year ago when I was bored, waiting in the rain and the cold for my bus, with all my stuff that I carried all day long walking around in Paris. I shot a picture of myself that you may remember from a previous post.... I did it randomly but it turned out to be a pic I really liked, and that my friends at the Wide-Eyed Crew liked enough too, to select it for our first WEC exhibit. That was very unexpected but a pleasant surprise, and I subsequently found out that my other friends also liked it. So I showed some more, and here I am, shooting pictures of myself at home...

I know it's probably gonna look like I'm obsessed with myself, but it's just that right now, I'm in the middle of one of those phases where I'm reflecting a lot on myself and the people surrounding me, or what's happening around. As a matter of fact, these pictures are simply the best and most authentic testament I could produce to illustrate my current state of mind. Sure, I could go out and shoot buildings, concrete, walls, I'd really enjoy it and that would be ME too, but this is just closer to reality... Lately I've spent quite some time thinking to random and more important things, while listening to some music, and at the same time, wondering what it looked like as seen from the outside... So I'd just grab the camera, set up the self-timer, and shoot...

M.I.M.S.

2009. New Year, New City, New Job... Same old self

No internet connection + Busy Schedule = No Updates.
Just a quick post to let ya'll know that I'm still alive, and put up my first pic from Marseille... As seen thru my eyes...

Catching up in progress / Change of plans

I haven't had much time lately for the blog, even though I had things to blog about... Sounds familiar, uh !? Anyway, I'll try and get back at it more regularly, but It might not happen in the near future... More on that later, but until I explain why, I'll just post some of the things I would have liked to post these last few weeks...

As for the purpose of this blog, I've changed my mind a little bit.... It was supposed to be a photography-driven blog, but obviously I have not been able to post pictures regularly. And even if I could, I'm currently considering signing up for a pro flickr account, or something similar, allowing me to have unlimited bandwidth and storage space, and have people checking / commenting my pictures more easily than on a blog... If you have any recommendation about such a photo sharing service, let me know. A free one would be better, but the flickr pro account is only $25 a year, so it's pretty reasonable, and it might be the best deal out there.

The blog would then only serve as a 'news' blog, allowing people to stay up-to-date with what's going on in my life, be notified of pictures update on that potential flickr account, and share whatever comes to mind...

Be right back !

Let's get started

Hey ya'll, welcome on this blog. I've had this address locked up for a while now, making sure noone could steal my nickname away from me (yeah there is another 'sebchang' around.. damn him!) but I had yet to get it started. Actually, I had yet to decide if I were to get it started at all someday... After all, who would want to check in here and read about me or whatever I would say ? I'm still not so sure about that, but I was like "hey, let's just do this, and we'll see... "

Something that pushed me a little bit closer to actually starting the blog, was that I've been more and more interested in photography, video editing, and digital creation as a whole, so that I was thinking about what I should do with those projects I have in the back of my mind, when I actually find the time to get the work done. Plus, I have been postponing most of them, being busy with sports taking up a good amount of my free time, and daily stuffs, so this is gonna be another motivation to spend more time on these projects.

So, basically, this blog is primarily intended as a place for me to leave something behind, sooner or later, and hopefully get some feedback on it. Well, assuming somebody will come here ! Until then I guess I'll just throw in some links I'd like to share with you, instead of emailing 20 persons. If something of interest happens in my life, this would be a good place to tell about it. If I ever get back to singing in a band, rest assured you'll hear about it here too :) Yeah you get the point, come back here and you'll see by yourself !


PS: Having some non-french speaking friends and being absolutely positive about the fact that this blog will eventually get huge attendance all over the world (nah.. not really, but who knows :p), I figured I would write in english. I'm no bilingual, but I do like writing in english, and I hope most of you fellow frenchmen will at least understand most of it. If you see some mistakes, it's (generally) not on purpose, so please let me know, don't be an accomplice to my ignorance !

Enough said, see you on the other side !