The Dark Side

I considered using that light for pictures for some time now, but never found the inspiration.

Then the beard solved it all.

I have a dream...

... I just don't know what it is yet.

You know your life sucks...

WOW... I completely forgot about that post. The following was written almost 2 years ago, in March 2012, but apparently I never published it for some reason...

Funny thing is, it's actually a good time to post it, as I just went through yet another birthday / new year's eve, which is not my favorite time of the year and always makes me reflect on everything - past, present and future - even more than the rest of the year. Less funny thing is that looking back, things have not changed much... Work has been up and down since then and wasn't much of a stabilizing help in the 2012 summer when - ironically ? - it got worse on a personal level, with an injury and some key relationships fading or coming to an end for different reasons. Then it got better after the summer when I got promoted to a new job in the same company, met some new people and finally reached the end of my rehab. All good, right ? Well, surely enough, it didn't last as the job got less interesting again, and my personal life actually got even worse during the 2013 summer when that latest, mind-saving, hope-giving, self-confidence-boosting friendship went down the drain as well, and another injury appeared... Anyway, I digress, let's rewind back to March, 2012, and to that delightful title:

"You know your life sucks..."

... when work is the only thing you feel secure about, the only thing you can honestly say you feel good about. Well, it's not that great either, but it could definitely be worse. Actually it HAS been a lot worse, so I know the feeling. There's been a time when I really wasn't sure what to do with my life, professionally, and how to do it. Now I have a pretty decent and stable job, even though I'm not yet putting work above everything else, but when I see people around me struggling to find a job or keep it, I'd say I'm pretty good with mine. Building a career has never been a life goal of mine.  I'll run away from a boring job, believe me - I already did - but I never really envisioned taking 'pride' in my career either. It'd have to be something related to sports or music I guess for me to really feel some sort of achievement in that, and I stopped dreaming about being a professional athlete a long time ago :) Ditto with being a rapper or fronting a hardcore band, I lack the talent, and you probably won't make a living out of it anyway, unless you're  called Jay-Z or Dr. Dre! Notice that I don't even have a hardcore band to mention here, cause you don't make a living out of hardcore music anyway. Maybe some kind of alternative will present itself down the road to get involved with something I'm really passionate about, but let's say work is good enough right now for me to be able to focus on the other stuff. Personal achievement, singing and playing for the fun of it, love, friendship, and all kind of relationships for that matter, these are what I want to put my mind into. So many things you could feed off, and yet, the only bright side right now is work... So yeah I guess my life sucks, at least by my standards.

Of course if you break it down, you'll find flashes of hope. People will decide for you that what you have is already a lot, and maybe they're right. Or maybe they don't get it. Every now and then I'll think about what I'll leave behind. What did I create ? Did I leave my mark on anything ? This was part of the reasons why I started this blog, because I wanted to be able to look behind and feel like I'm leaving something, not in a star-system kind of way, when people just want to be famous and remembered, but mostly to interact with others about that one thing that I felt, at the time, I was able to do or create. But what's the point when there's no interaction at all ? I post pictures, and then what ? I know there are some viewers if I look at the logs, but there's little to no feedback. At all. Except for the typical "I like your pictures" comment from a friend, every once in a while. People come in when I post a link on facebook, take a look, and leave, just like people do with street performers. People will stop by, watch the show, and then leave as soon as the performer goes for the tip. If you stayed and enjoyed or even just wondered about it, don't fucking leave ! I don't expect people to write me some fan letter, but I'd like to know when someone saw a post and wether they liked it or not, if they felt anything at all, memories, inspiration, self-thinking or whatever... When I experience something, I like to share it and talk about it with someone afterwards. When my friends do something - anything - I'll show some interest. I mean, I won't pretend I like it if I don't, or attend every single time they perform, but I'll show up if I can, I'll take the time to write a few words to express what I felt or what not, in short I'll SUPPORT. But I guess I'm just different...

And then there's New Years Eve. Everybody's giving you their best "Happy New Year" wishes, even though they didn't care about you a couple days ago, and won't do so in a week either. That's just plain hypocrisy to me. Or worst, self-conviction that they do care so that they feel good about themselves ? Either way, if you don't proceed with the celebration, you're the negative guy. The one that doesn't live in the moment. But I don't give a flying f*ck about that moment you're talking about. I care about every other moments. The other 364 or 365 days in a year. How many times do I send a message to someone and I don't even get an answer ? I feel like an idiot for answering all the questions I'm being asked, and taking the time to do so. Somehow, I feel like an idiot for writing this right now, because I know of the few people who will read it, only a very selected few will actually READ it and turn that into a conversation some day.

You're reading this (congrats !), and you're thinking he's loosing it... Well, no, this is not an SOS ! This is not a "message in a bottle"... These are just words, coming from the heart and flowing off so naturally, right now, that I just let them all out, finally. Otherwise I'd just post a crappy facebook status and hope people 'like' it and cheer on me, which is absolutely not the point ! Because it's not a mood thing, it's weeks, months, years of reflexions, of inner thinking, that just happen to get written today. Just because you're not whining all the time, doesn't mean you don't think about stuff. So many times, people told me "I see everything is good for you" just because they saw a pic on facebook where I was at a party, at the beach or whatever. Well, yeah, I don't stay home 24/7 you idiot, because I'm not letting these things win, I fight back and I go out, trying to get better at what I do, hang out with friends, meet new people, find inspiration... My closest friends know that about me. Or so I hope. Me writing is kinda ironical too, given that I was a math guy back in school, and didn't care much for the literature courses. Well I did read a lot when I was younger, so maybe I just had it in me but never developed it...

A friend of mine told me a few weeks ago : "start working on some lyrics for your songs ! I'm pretty sure you got some stuff in your head that would transfer nicely into songs". I'm not sure if this is "nice", but that's a start. This is exactly what these few lines are, actually, the results of so many times I was thinking to myself about the things that bug me, the things I'd like to express in lyrics but didn't have music to put to at the time. Now that we broke up again with that band I was trying to get back to hardcore with, it seems like I'll be back to zero again, but we'll see, I got some instrumentals to work with, so maybe I'll find some way out anyway...

Random London || 2012 London Trip

Closing the curtain on this 2012 London Trip series

with some random London pics that didn't fit within any other post :)

Enjoying Sun & Breakfast at Stansted Airport, waiting for my flight back to France

and thinking to myself... "Can It Be All So Simple ?" London, I'll be back !!

Chillin @ Spital Square || 2012 London Trip

Everything felt so right, peaceful this morning.

People (including me) having breakfast while enjoying the nice weather outside, some others stopping by to play some ping pong (yes, the rackets and balls are available freely with the table)

or enjoying a quick break from work or a bike ride ... Today seems like a good day.

MRS to STN || 2012 London Trip

Leaving sunny Marseille to cloudy London. So far, so good :)

Poor Lonesome Cowboy

Self-shooting

Flying Wheels

Been considering buying a new longboard for some time now, and I finally got one.

Today was a perfect day to give this new toy a quick test drive,

from the location to my soon-to-(may)-be new appartment to the beach.

PS: these are smartphone pics, hence the blurry/grainy quality compared to http://sebchang.blogspot.com/2010/08/longboarding-in-camargue.html, but whatever.

When I Think About Love...

I think about her. And her. And her too. But mostly her.

Over the years, I've had my fair share of thinking about Love, or more precisely its lack thereof, but recently things started to change slowly, and reading Ryan Leslie's comments on his adidas video, "When I Think About Love", got me thinking - again - about that.

Not only have I thought about it, trying to figure out what's wrong with me, but my friends, and most notably my girl friends, wondered a lot about it. So many times, I've been asked that same question : "well, have you ever been In Love ?" and every time, the same silence... Of course I've been in Love... a long time ago... Lately ? Not so much. And it's not like I haven't met anyone love worthy. I've had a few really good (girl) friends, most of them ending up being confidents and asking me about all that... I've had a couple girlfriends here and there... But for some reason, I couldn't seem to fall in love any more. I mean, true Love, when you know this is right there, in front of your eyes and you just want to go for it. No doubts. No questions. Not necessarily saying you have to know she's The One, but at least, you know you want to give it a try, and when it happens, everything just feels so right.
So YES, I've been there, at least 2 times, the memories are still very vivid, and yet every time this question pops up, the words fail me. The memories are instantly swept away by the wondering. What made me this way. Have I had my heart broken ? I don't think so, I've been the one breaking up eventually every time. Well, the first time it was more a matter of choosing to be single rather than being in a frustrating relationship, but it was still my decision. Have I broken her heart ? Of course she's moved on since, but that second girl, I guess I did break her heart that day. And it did break mine to do that. I'll always remember hearing her cry from the other side of the wall, wanting to go hug her so bad, but I had to stay strong, because it wasn't my place to be.

I don't think I've ever been In Love again afterwards, so maybe it's just coincidence, but I actually think I just wasn't ready for another round. My heart broken into multiple pieces, all of them fully functional, but none of them capable of taking over the others. I've had very strong bonds with more (girl) friends, but I haven't been in a relationship for years after that. I put everything I had in friendship and nothing in love. Reminds me a lot of how Alicia Keys put that to words : "she's just a girl that is your friend", except they weren't "just girls". I truly was committed to friendship, until I finally gave it another try at relationship, with no luck. Everything was ok, but the feelings weren't there. And there goes the heartbreak again.

During all those years, my reflexions have been intense, and I've tried to put them to words. I've tried expressing things I didn't even understand. I've been taking notes of what went through my mind, and I've tried turning those into lyrics, back when I was in hardcore bands. Nothing ever really came out clear enough.

And then here I am, a few years later, watching Ryan Leslie's "When I Think About Love" video, reading his comments on what the song is about, and thinking : "This Is It". For the first time, I'm putting words on what's going on in my mind, and these are not even mine.

"This record is about having the guts to admit you're not ready to fully commit and in fact you're actually just thinking about the concept of love."

OK, this sounds like a bunch of crap. The typical "I'm not ready" easy way out. But the following is a completely different story.

"My song is about the thinking thats necessary in order to be sure that you want to take someone on your love trip.

(...)

It feels good to confidently know that youre earnestly thinking about what your next move will be. So the next time you've got the urge to jump all the way in, take a few minutes to rock this record and think about whether you're really sure."

So... When I think about love... who am I thinking about ? I'm thinking about these 2 girl I used to love. I'm thinking about my close friends, past and present, and these girls with whom I've had such a special relationship. And mostly, I think about her. Like I said, just recently, things started to change. My multiple hearts were still independently dedicated to multiple friendship, but one of them started to grow bigger and stronger. To the point that I'm actually wondering "What now ?".
I'm wondering wether I'm ready to take her on my love trip and go for it.

I wonder if she's aware of all that. I wonder if she's gon' figure it out if she reads this.

Maybe I shouldn't post. After all, I haven't told her anything yet, because I don't want to screw anything up until I'm sure I want to go for it, so why should I risk it here ? Well, it's simple. The words failed me for so long, this is such an important step towards recovery, so I need to let it all out somehow. And keep putting the pieces back together.

Ryan says that maybe we'll end up playing his song over and over again while enjoying the process of just thinking before we do anything. Even though the lyrics of the song do not carry exactly the same meaning to me as Ryan's comments about the song, it definitely has its place in my playlist of "unskippable tracks", and it will definitely have me thinking about Love every time I hear it.


And when I think about Love, I think about her.

No New Message

Hard Work aka Beach Workout

Everything comes at a price, it's up to you to decide what price you're willing to pay.

In my case, it's not even about what I'll get, and wether it's worth it.

It's about hard work, never resting and feeling good about what I achieve.

I set the goal to push myself, not the other way around.

People don't get it, but I take pride in earning it more than having it.

The body strengthens, of course, but my mind is what I train.

I press play, the music starts, and everything else just evaporates.

For a few minutes, it's just me and my thoughts.

My questions. My fears. My doubts.

 When I'm done, only the sweat remains.

(And it's pretty impressive to see how much you can sweat by standing still for some 11+ minutes)

Just The Two Of Us

Longboarding in Camargue

All I Need Is One Mic...

Or maybe I don't ?

Anyway, sometimes I just want to grab my mic,

close the doors, and let it all out. Outlet Style.

I think I need to start singing again...

Cold Feet

Every Damn Day || 2009 Cali Trip